


By My Side, Not at My Feet

by Cumberbatch Critter (ivelostmyspectacles)



Series: FenHawke Writing Challenge [5]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Blow Jobs, Fenris Needs a Hug, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, references to slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 03:35:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6736465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/Cumberbatch%20Critter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris has engrained issues with kneeling. He doesn't even notice it, himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By My Side, Not at My Feet

Fenris discovered very early on that he couldn't kneel to pleasure Hawke.

 

In retrospect, maybe he wished that he had discovered it sooner, or realized what the discomfort had meant when it had happened. The first time that he'd done it had been when they had been intimate for the first time, when his memories had come rushing back. Fenris had been aware of the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach as he'd sucked him off, but he had paid it no mind; Hawke was half leaning against the bed, fingers fisted in Fenris's hair and the silk sheets, head tipped back in what Fenris could only call ecstasy, a wonderful look on the man above him. He had pushed back the feeling prickling on the back of his neck and pretended that he didn't choke when Hawke came down his throat - he was out of practice - as Hawke apologized repeatedly _"Maker, I'm sorry- I didn't expect- it was swift in coming (and then a snort), I meant to warn you"_.

But no. The fleeting thought that he was out of practice didn't come with any sort of self-revelation, and in the next moment, Hawke had pulled him onto the bed and he was face-down on the cool sheets and his fingers twisted into the blankets and his breathless noises were muffled into the pillow that smelled of Hawke. The memories of his past, of Leto, of Varania, of his mother and his city and the smell of apple orchards, had tumbled through his head through the orgasm and lasted through the aftershocks, and the next thing he knew, Hawke was asleep next to him and Fenris couldn't remember when he'd flopped down next to him or what had happened in his past and he couldn't get out fast enough.

The second time he did, that same something from before nagged at the back of his mind relentlessly; there was no all consuming lust that was pushing Hawke against the wall to kiss him, fingers flying over clothes, tripping into the bedroom. There was silence and tender touches, the now Champion of Kirkwall much more considerate of the elf; it wasn't that he hadn't been the first time, no. But it had been sudden before, Fenris finally tiring of being able to think of nothing except kissing Hawke, and the way he would look as he orgasmed, and Hawke had barely broken away from him then to send the servants away.

It was different; they were taking things slower, relishing in their newfound relationship. And Fenris enjoyed it, enjoyed the way things had settled, and praised the Maker, if there was such a thing, that Hawke had chosen to wait on him. That he had not startled Hawke away in his hasty retreat years ago.

And in the same regard, _this_ was slightly different, too, and while Fenris did successfully work Hawke into a frenzy, Hawke gave him a warning and Fenris had the time to steel himself to swallow down Hawke's seed without coughing this time. The difference, also, was that he was shaking when he pulled off, falling back on his haunches, lips coming together in a thin line that Hawke didn't seem to be able to see for the cum clinging to the elf's lips. _"Fuck, you're beautiful,"_ Hawke had muttered, reaching forward to swipe it from Fenris's lips, and then leaning over to kiss him softly.

Fenris appreciated the sentiment, and very much reciprocated it, but it didn't stop him from swaying when he rose to his feet.

 _"Woah, Fenris, are you okay?"_ Hawke had risen to catch him, steady him, and the touch, for a moment, sent shivers down Fenris's spine before he caught himself in Hawke's gaze, that gentle, concerned gaze.

That was also appreciated, but he was suddenly so tired. _"I am fine,"_ he had replied, and allowed Hawke to help him into bed. He had not remembered any of his past this time, but as he fell asleep, he slept uneasily again.

It continued. Until it did not.

"Fenris?"

Fenris looked up from untying the laces on Hawke's breeches, looking up at him without words.

"You... ah, how do I say this. You don't like this, do you?"

Green eyes blinked in mild confusion, lips parted wordlessly before he found the appropriate response. "What?"

"You don't notice, do you?" Hawke asked. He was frowning, and the response sent a jab of cold fear into Fenris's stomach so sudden and sharp that it startled him.

He shook it away, resting his hands on his kneecaps. "Notice what?" he asked doggedly, pushing the conversation forward.

"You get..." Hawke trailed off, seeming to be searching for words. And by the look on his face, he wasn't finding them. "... different," he finished pathetically.

Fenris arched an eyebrow, and sat very still. "Different?" he echoed.

Hawke gestured to him. "I mean, you're not _moving_. You barely talk, barely touch me when you're sucking me off, I mean, not that your mode of operation isn't _amazing_ but you get... I don't know, you get..."

"Get _what_?" Fenris demanded.

"Compliant. Like you'll do anything I want so long as I want it, damn the consequences or how you feel and we've been _over_ this-"

"I _am_ fine with this," Fenris interrupted. He was fine with it, he was fine with it, _fasta vass_!

"I'm not asking if you're fine with it." Hawke knelt in front of him, petting them eye level instead of Fenris's neck aching as he looked up at him. "I'm not asking that, I'm asking if you like it."

" _You_ like it."

"I don't care! I just... I want to know that you want to do it, not because it's engrained from Danarius -" and his name sent Fenris both to grinding his teeth and straightening his spine in the same moment - "- that you _need_ to do it just because it's there."

Fenris wanted to growl at Hawke for the jab; it wasn't even that, a jab, but it was unspoken that they did not bring up his _dead_ master, especially after Fenris had started to feed Hawke parts of his stay with the magister, piece by piece, slowly, over the years. And while he wanted to growl at Hawke for it, for the low blow, for ruining the moment, there was something, there was _something_.

The hair on the back of his neck, the shakes, the crippling exhaustion. Combine it with Hawke being able to call it out, and even in the past sixty seconds, Fenris was suddenly all too aware of the fact that he was still, back straight, not exactly compliant as Hawke accused but rather more of the mind that he would still do it, now, just to get it over with because Hawke was right, it was what _Hawke_ wanted. Hawke was so gracious to him, Hawke deserved-

_Oh._

"I... don't... know," Fenris said slowly, turning his head away. "I never noticed. I didn't realize..."

Hawke's fingers brushed under his chin, directing his gaze back to him. Fenris resolutely met his gaze, even though the instinct was just then to turn away. "Hey, that's fine. I love you, Fen, I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. You already spent enough of your life at a mage's feet, you don't need to be at mine, too. Never at mine."

Oh. Again. Today was one of those days, one of those days for epiphanies. Fenris tilted his head. "Perhaps that is the problem."

"What?"

"I have... negative connotations in kneeling, perhaps, as you say. The hesitation has long since been buried, yet it seems to remain, manifesting itself for you to notice. Perhaps if I wasn't kneeling..."

Hawke looked thoughtful. "That could work. Or _I_ could just suck _you_."

He huffed softly. "You _do_ suck me," he replied, "but that doesn't help the problem at hand."

"What about if we start with that? Hands," Hawke clarified, holding up his hands and then taking Fenris's. "Start small."

 _Frustrating_ , Fenris's mind snapped, but he did not say so out loud. Hawke was _trying_. Hawke had noticed something he had repressed, something he had ignored for the sake of making Hawke happy. He hadn't been worried about _himself_ , and here Hawke was worrying for him. For _him_.

So, yes, it was frustrating. Because they had bypassed this step, bypassed talking about techniques of taking each other apart and Fenris had been doing, if not fine, he had been... doing. But now he was conscious of it, Hawke was conscious of it, and it... wasn't the way to do this. Fenris wanted to do it right, because... (yes, say it, Fenris, say it to yourself) he _deserved_ it. He deserved it as much as anybody else did.

"Start small," Fenris repeated, trailing his fingers against Hawke's palm. "And build from there. If I can," he said softly.

"Don't push yourself. Not for me. Okay?"

"... Yes." Fenris drew Hawke's hand to his lips to kiss his palm. "I'll... do my best."

" _We'll_ do our best," Hawke replied happily. "I'm gonna go ask Orana when dinner's going to be ready. Be right back." He pressed a sloppy kiss against Fenris's cheek and bounded to his feet, whisking from the room.

"Ergh." Fenris scrubbed at his cheek and watched the door swing shut. _We'll do our best._ "... Hawke," he murmured, and pretended that he didn't smile as he rose from his knees.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ~~oh maker i keep writing fenhawke and fen's issues with oral what am i doing why can't this leave me alone~~
> 
> Ahem. I don't exactly know if this turned out the way I wanted it to, but I like it nonetheless? I... will admit I may come back to this. Fenris reclaiming his grasp that he is a person himself... realising that he is unconsciously doing it because he thinks he needs to and changing... and Hawke being the one to bring it up... Fenris being able to take back something that Danarius tainted... these things are important to me.
> 
> I do not own _Dragon Age II_. Thanks for reading!


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